Dawning Eyes

Clean Jokes Corner

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over.

"Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.

The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."

That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.

"No, you don’t, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver’s wife.

"Damn it, woman," the driver explodes, "can’t you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"

The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car.

"Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"

"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."



A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."



A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway.

As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over.

The cop walked over and asked for the man's license and registration.

Then the cop said, "Listen Mac, it's Friday, I'm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."

The cop nodded and said, "Have a nice day."



Not So Clean Jokes Corner


A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.

Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went.

After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.

After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini "



While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile.

But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.



Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: - Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough, she wants sixty.

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: -Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty.