New Stock Market Terms:

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.



Also please Note:

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $ 29.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $ 5.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.