Clean Jokes Corner

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"

"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"

"Almost every night!!?????"

"Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday,............"



A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.

She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"

The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.

The little ladie then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.

She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that four guys were trying to steal someone else’s car.

At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:
" A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,

"How much for a season pass?"


Not So Clean Jokes Corner

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in.

"HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!"

So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!"

"Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won't.

The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart.

On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!"

"Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?"

Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks.

"No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"


A Sunday School teacher poses a question to her students.

She asks them, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body enters Heaven first?"

Billy raises his hand and promptly answers...."Hands first, because every time you pray, you do so with your hands, so I believe you enter hands first."

The Sunday School teacher says, "Okay, good answer."

Suzie raises her hand and says...."Feet first, I think you enter Heaven feet first."

The teacher ponders this and asks Suzie, "Why do you think feet first?"

Suzie replies...."Because I got up the other night and peeked inside Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom, and Mommy was screaming....OH GOD, I’M COMING, I’M COMING!!!!"

"If it wasn’t for Daddy holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"

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