Get a tickle ya?

A Chinese man walked into a pub in the US late one night and saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushed to him and asked for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gave him a slap on the face and said,
"You Chinese bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied,
"Chinese did not bomb your Pearl Harbor, it was actually the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same." responded Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gave Spielberg a slap on the face and said,

"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replied,
"It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese man replied,
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Sent by: Chong CK.

Things Confucius did NOT say.....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must be aware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Sent by: Estrelita.

Name Your Dog SEX?

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog.

A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.

The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'

Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'

He said he didn't care how she looked.

When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel,

I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'

I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."

"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined,

I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."

Sent by: Chong CK.

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

Pastor's ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES Pastor's ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Contributed by: Chin Kong Chong

Hilarious Prank

Who Got Screwed?

BE IT BARISAN NASIONAL OR KEADILAN
I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The Indon maid , we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Contributed by: Andy Loh

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your daughter has a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

A Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people. They found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea! he exclaimed.'

Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.

' After a moment or two of silence, he farted.

The End

Contributed by : Estrelita

Clean Jokes Corner

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


Not So Clean Jokes Corner

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar.

"God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours".

"Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstrais, and yelling, 'Hey baby, let's fuck'.

When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep".

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast.

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

Clean Jokes Corner

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your dad a big hug!"


Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the blood samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith, "What do you mean?"

Receptionist, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer, and the other for Syphilis. However, we cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town, if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"

"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."


Not So Clean Jokes Corner

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129!

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!


To the Management,

I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

Dear Mr Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before age 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags which are full when you enter and empty when you leave... very odd.

Sincerely,

The Management


Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?"

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear -

'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

For A Laugh

When Name Calling Isn't Swearing!

WIMPY DADS

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.

"The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman nextdoor."

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! Whatthe hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry wouldsee record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle itright -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? I still have to do everything!

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Contributed by : Estrelita Soliano Grosse.

Self-Development?

Steven Covey's famous 7 habits for successful people are nothing more than a free adaptation of very common Hokkien phrases ( surprised ? ).

So why pay thousands of dollars to attend talks when your grand-parents, parents, spouses and even the auntie who sweeps the floor can give you the same kind of advice FOC, every day?

1. England has madcow,Hong Kong has Macau,Russia has Moscow,S'pore has 2 famous cows-'Cow-peh and cow-bo'

2. When ur life is in darkness......Pray 2 God and ask Him 2 free u from darkness..... andIf u r still in darkness..Pls pay ur TNB bill.

3.If u need ADVICE, SMS ME,If u need DARLING, CALL ME, If u need HELP, E-MAIL ME,IF U NEED MONEY, Nombor yang anda dail,tiada dalam perkhidmatan kami, Terima Kasih.

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut To eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to seller bread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

Note: Ah Beng is equivalent to a blonde man and Ah Lian to a blonde girl in the jokes fraternity.

Contributed by: Estrelita Soliano Groose.

New Stock Market Terms:

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.



Also please Note:

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $ 29.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $ 5.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.

Clean Jokes Corner

The Reverend tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy had told him, the reverend thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling in fear like all of the passengers in his car.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


Not So Clean Jokes Corner

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the female’s skirt. To his delight, he realises she is going commando.

The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, “Are you looking at my fanny?”

“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”

Sure enough the fanny blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder fanny can do.

“I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the fanny winks at him.

“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick two fingers in?”

Shocked, the man replies, “Fucking hell! Can it whistle as well?!”


A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting

"What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You scumbag!" says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"


A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that "...when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.'

Clean Jokes Corner

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Love John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love Mum


A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.



Not So Clean Jokes Corner



Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windscreen.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

As Dracula hangs on."Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, ... "Get the Fuck off our car!!"

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door.

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.

I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Clean Jokes Corner

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"

"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"

"Almost every night!!?????"

"Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday,............"



A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.

She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"

The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.

The little ladie then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.

She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that four guys were trying to steal someone else’s car.

At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:
" A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,

"How much for a season pass?"


Not So Clean Jokes Corner

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in.

"HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!"

So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!"

"Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won't.

The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart.

On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!"

"Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?"

Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks.

"No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"


A Sunday School teacher poses a question to her students.

She asks them, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body enters Heaven first?"

Billy raises his hand and promptly answers...."Hands first, because every time you pray, you do so with your hands, so I believe you enter hands first."

The Sunday School teacher says, "Okay, good answer."

Suzie raises her hand and says...."Feet first, I think you enter Heaven feet first."

The teacher ponders this and asks Suzie, "Why do you think feet first?"

Suzie replies...."Because I got up the other night and peeked inside Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom, and Mommy was screaming....OH GOD, I’M COMING, I’M COMING!!!!"

"If it wasn’t for Daddy holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE..?

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$.

We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days,

NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well .

NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.

After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .

---- Your Boss.----



Contributed by: Sokewong.

Clean Jokes Corner

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over.

"Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.

The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."

That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.

"No, you don’t, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver’s wife.

"Damn it, woman," the driver explodes, "can’t you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"

The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car.

"Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"

"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."



A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."



A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway.

As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over.

The cop walked over and asked for the man's license and registration.

Then the cop said, "Listen Mac, it's Friday, I'm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."

The cop nodded and said, "Have a nice day."



Not So Clean Jokes Corner


A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.

Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went.

After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.

After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini "



While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile.

But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.



Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: - Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough, she wants sixty.

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: -Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty.

Clean Jokes Corner

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."



A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!"

The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again.

He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle.

With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cuz "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God.

He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down."

St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."



A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.

The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'

The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.

With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'



Not So Clean Jokes Corner

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.'

She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.'

From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively.

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel.

A multitude of sperms swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."


A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

Some things you just can't explain."





One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives.

Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.

Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"

Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"

Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."

"What's the difference? asked Kirk.

Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!'

The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!'

The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!'

And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

Clean Jokes Corner

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.

Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said quietly.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably.

"Why else would I poison you?"

This woman had just gotten out of the shower when her husband went in. Suddenly the door bell rang, so she put on a towel and went downstairs.

When she opened the door it was the next-door neighbor Rob.

"I'll give you $500 if you'll drop the towel," Rob said. So she dropped the towel, grabbed the $500, then went to tell her husband about the money.

Before she could say a word, her husband yelled out, "Hey, was that Rob with the $500 he owes me?"

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."



Not So Clean Jokes Corner

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

6 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.

Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it???",

The man who knocked replied, "Blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them.

The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,

"Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."

This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

And she said "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say,"Oh, my God...."