A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
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A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At the next physical the Doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor exclaimed, "I didn't say that. I said you got a HEART MURMUR. BE CAREFUL."
Not So Clean Jokes Corner
A man goes to the Doctor. "Doctor," he says, in total frustration, "my pecker is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my pecker is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog says NO, your pecker will be ten inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO".
The man looked down and suddenly his pecker was 10 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his pecker, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." 30 inches is still a monster, he thought, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,
NO!..........NO!!..........and for the last time.........NO!!!"
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Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they're both already married, they agree to see who can score with her first.
Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So, what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary.
"So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?"
The second partner replies, "You're right... your wife is better."
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An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife: "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and across to the field.
The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed.
As they walked back towards the road. The cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."
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