Clean Jokes Corner

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"

"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"

"Almost every night!!?????"

"Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday,............"



A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.

She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"

The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.

The little ladie then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.

She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that four guys were trying to steal someone else’s car.

At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:
" A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,

"How much for a season pass?"


Not So Clean Jokes Corner

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in.

"HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!"

So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!"

"Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won't.

The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart.

On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!"

"Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?"

Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks.

"No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"


A Sunday School teacher poses a question to her students.

She asks them, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body enters Heaven first?"

Billy raises his hand and promptly answers...."Hands first, because every time you pray, you do so with your hands, so I believe you enter hands first."

The Sunday School teacher says, "Okay, good answer."

Suzie raises her hand and says...."Feet first, I think you enter Heaven feet first."

The teacher ponders this and asks Suzie, "Why do you think feet first?"

Suzie replies...."Because I got up the other night and peeked inside Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom, and Mommy was screaming....OH GOD, I’M COMING, I’M COMING!!!!"

"If it wasn’t for Daddy holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"

Clean Cartoons Corner

Not So Clean Cartoons Corner

Pada 8 Mac 2009, Anwar Ibrahim akan menyampaikan Pidato Kebangsaan sempena meraikan sambutan setahun kejayaan Pakatan Rakyat dalam Pilihan Raya Umum ke-12 tahun lalu.

Pidato beliau akan menumpu pada isu-isu ke arah membina penyatuan rakyat Malaysia. Beliau juga dijangka akan mengumumkan pendekatan yang perlu diambil oleh pimpinan Pakatan Rakyat dalam menghadapi cabaran kemelesetan ekonomi serta perancangan mewujudkan lebih banyak peluang pekerjaan dan usaha meningkatkan mutu pendidikan negara.
___________________
On March 8th 2009 Dato Seri Anwar Ibrahim will deliver a National Address on the one year anniversary of the 12th General Elections in which the Pakatan Rakyat achieved unprecedented gains.His speech will call for unity among the Malaysian people and declare a firm resolve on the part of the Pakatan Rakyat to work hard to face the challenges of the economic recession, create new jobs for Malaysians and improve access to quality education.

He will also highlight the many successes achieved by Pakatan Rakyat governments in the five states to reduce corruption, increase investment and create jobs during a period when thousands of Malaysians have been left unemployed.The speech, which will take place at the Majlis Bandaraya Shah Alam Auditorium, will be broadcast live on

TV Antara. It is the first National Address since the March 2008 elections. Sunday March 8th, 20094:30 PM (GMT + 8)Wisma MBSA, Shah Alam, SelangorWATCH LIVE ON TVANTARA

Caves: The World Beneath our World!

Amazing what running water and limestone can do

If you are stretched and squeezed by everyday life, then you might be in perfect shape to explore caves.

Enter a narrow natural passageway that may lead to simply mind-boggling underground world. Caves may lurk right under your feet: a fascinating and unexpected environment, which is often known only to spelunkers and dedicated Gollum-seekers.

Fairyland Cave Formations

Caves are a fairyland of delight, from the burning hot enclaves to the glacial ice mazes. Thousands of years of dripping water, eroding stone and budding minerals create a silent world of mystery and beauty... Graceful arches, giant crystals, silent but for the sound of water dripping and bubbling through.

The most common type of caves form when slightly acidic rainwater trickles into the crevices of limestone and gradually widens the cracks as it dissolves the stone.

Centuries of water, supersaturated with minerals, dripping from cave roofs cause stalagmites and stalactites to form.

One thing to keep in mind during cave exploration: though these structures are made of minerals, they are generally extremely thin and fragile, many of them are quite rare, and can be damaged or destroyed by touch alone. Calcite (the mineral which forms many cave structures), for example, is soft enough to be scratched by a fingernail.

Some of the cave and rock formations:- Flowstone (also known as a Bacon formation)- Cave Pearls- Soda Straws- Helictites- Anthodites (or Aragonite)- Bottlebrush formation

Probably the most comprehensive cave-exploration site on the net is that of Dave Bunnell... You can spend hours there, wandering around pages, cataloging whimsical underground structures, oozing rock and dripping stone.

Largest Cave Systems

We mentioned the Jeita Grotto - the largest cave system in the Middle East- in our recent Lebanon article. The longest known stalactite in the world is found there at 8.2 meters long.

- The deepest known cave is Voronya Cave in Abkhazia, Georgia and has been explored to a depth of 2191 meters.

- The longest continuous cave system yet explored is Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, covering 591 kilometers.

Let's have a short world tour of the most interesting caves, why don't we? We'll start with North America

-Already mentioned Luray Caverns in Virginia are full of celebrated speleothems formations, calcite crystals of abnormal shapes - all formed when the chambers were completely filled with water, highly charged with acid. The acid began to eat away the softer material, resulting in ornate pinnacles and arches...

One of the deepest known cave pits, Fantastic Pit in Georgia's Ellison's Cave descends 586 feet (179 meters) in a straight tunnel:

Glacial Caves and Ice Caverns

Some ice caves must rather be called "glacier caves", which can simply astound with the intensity of ice color:

Here is a wonderful page of ice caves photography by Jason Gulley:

A lot of ice caves grow "hair" - ice extrusions, some are quite strange-looking:

Brazil: Crystalline Underground Waters

Mato Grosso do Sul region in Brazil (and especially the quiet town of Bonito) boasts many marvelous underground lakes: Gruta do Lago Azul, Gruta do Mimoso, Aquário Natural. Intricate limestone formations and grottos hide the intensely-colored pools and waterfalls (many adventure tours there feature diving, some pools are more than 100 meters deep):

Limestone caves in the same region offer fantastic exploration:

Venezuela: Cave of the Ghost.

Cueva del Fantasma is big enough for two helicopters to fly into it, but it's not technically a cave - rather, a collapsed gorge. It does, however, sport a huge waterfall right inside of it:

Iran: tremendous cave systemKatale Khor is a cave dating back to the Jurassic period.

It's one of the "snow caves" in the Southwest Zanjan province and connects to other caves - a huge underground infra-structure which can hide who knows what.

Can't get enough images of Iran's natural beauty? See our previous articles... a country full of great sights and dubious politics.

Vietnam: Hang Thien Cung caveThere are plenty of caves in Vietnam, and just like in China, many are illuminated with garish colors. (see here). But sometimes even artificial light takes back stage to the incredible rock texture

Mexico: Giant Selenite Crystals!

In 2000, one of the most unusual and splendid caves was found in Mexico by miners. Located only a mile from an upthrust of magma, this cave is 112 degrees Farenheit and at 90-100% humidity, limiting greatly the amount of time explorers can spend in it.

It is a spectacular cave, with gigantic crystal formations thought to be 600,000 years old.

The crystals formed underwater; as water saturated with calcium sulfate heated in the cavern selenite molecules crystallized and grew, undisturbed, to giant proportions.

The cave was drained (by unknowing miners) in the 1980's and stopped the process of growth. Who knows what we may find further on, in the heat and water?

A description of one photographer's attempt to document this cave is here.

"It is unquestionably magical that the cool white rays of moonlight can originate deep underground in a black chamber that is, at least in my perception, white hot." (Richard Fisher, photographer, comments on the huge selenite crystals.)

A Giant GeodeGeodes are normally formed by volcanic or sedimentary geologic activity - a cavity in the rock is formed, inside which crystals begin to grow, such as amethyst, quartz or a number of others. Most geodes are small enough to fit in your hand, but this one is large enough to climb inside. The crystals found here are gypsum.

The largest Geode Cave in US is located in Ohio: Crystal Cave, check it out.

Ancient Cave CitiesKhosrov Caves in Armenia served as a shelter to ancient tribes - in a perfectly cinematic location

We wrote about Cappadocia cave city in Turkey before. But you might not be aware that more modern establishment makes its home there - a luxury hotel!

Considering how hot it can get outside, it definitely provides a welcome coolness:

Then again, there's a wildly original Stockholm subway station, seemingly built inside a natural (in reality - blasted) cave :

Contributed By: Angela Ooi.

Astrology Prediction

Astrology Prediction

Will the BN Government survive in Perak?

With the Courts having taken centre stage in deciding the legitimacy or otherwise of the present State BN government, I would like to state my opinion based on the astrological settings.

The new Government took office on the 6th February 2009 at 4.00pm at Kuala Kangsar, Perak. This then is the birth time of the new government. We can then cast a chart to forecast its fortunes as per the birth information.

The Ascendant (Lagna) is Gemini. The most effective point for the native is 5.37 degrees. Moon, the lord of the House protecting its status is powerfully placed at 8 degrees close to the Most Effective Point in Gemini. This position is very protective of its status.

It must be stated at the outset that for attaining high political office, planets Jupiter (authority), Sun (power and patronage) and Saturn (political pull of the mass) must be well placed, aspected and in strength in a chart. This principle applies to whoever who is seeking to shine in politics.The degree of success in politics is largely determined by the placement of the above mentioned planets in crucial and acceptable Houses.

The permanence of success in ruling the people is attributed to these above factors. These planets must not be weak or afflicted by evil planets lest the person who attains power suddenly loses it overnight during operating planetary periods.

The planet Sun which provides it its Leadership, authority and power is however badly placed in the 8th House governing obstructions, delays and setbacks. Sun also represents the level of initiatives or endeavours taken in running the government. All of these factors have been lost in the House of obstruction. Sun also denotes its Chief Executive Officer - the Menteri Besar. The latter has gone into the house of obstructions and setbacks.

Planet Mercury, (29 degrees)as Lord of the 4th, ruling the masses is very weak in the 7th house ruling the general atmosphere of the people its rule. Mercury also rules communication and its ability to interact with the people vis and vis its interactive government functions. This speaks of its inward looking or introverted personality of the BN government in not been able to have an effective communicative ability with the masses.

The planet representing the emotional make up is debilitated in the Navamsa, though placed in exaltation in the Rasi at 8 degrees in Pisces. The planet Jupiter (13 degrees) denoting the moral character, sincerity and integrity is debilitated in the 8th House. That itself speaks of its peculiar mean/method it employed in assuming power. Added to this concoction, is the proximity of evil Rahu (15 degrees)in Capricorn, the 8th House.

The Lord of the 11th which governs future plans and its ability to see it through is Mars (7 degrees). Mars is badly placed in the House of obstruction, which may see its existence short lived and unable to see through its policies.

Transit wise, starting around 6th May 2009 - early October 2009, planets Mars (future plans), Venus (emotional state), gets afflicted badly with special emphasis to be placed between 8th June 2009 - 22nd August 2009 when very serious issues will be given its due regard. In other words, whether the government stands or falls will be determined during this period stated above.

During the period stated above, Ketu spoils and afflicts the 2nd House (status), 6th House (involves itself in conflicts) and the 10th House (dealing with the Mentri Besar,). Ketu has a character of retarding, stagnating or paralyzing anything that is mobile or in motion.

Also, Rahu, the other node, from the 8th House threatens to bring about a downfall of the Government and spoil its reputation. Rahu also aspects and afflicts the Houses of Losses and the 4th house house indicating the general public, the opposition in the Legislature.

Of significance is the dasa-bukti (planetary periods) of the native - the current BN government. The current operating period is Rahu main period and Rahu sub period. The presence of sub period Rahu in the 8th House does in fact colours the happenings that take place in their functioning as a government. Rahu assures them of a downfall after having seemingly won the war. What Rahu does is to tell you lies that everything is alright. It actually tells the native to live in a make believe situation when the reality is the reverse. In this case, Rahu will cause bring down the native.

In summary, the Barisan Government will fall.
That is my prediction.

OM TAT SAT

Contributed by: Robert Choo.

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE..?

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$.

We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days,

NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well .

NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.

After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .

---- Your Boss.----



Contributed by: Sokewong.

Dear All,

We need your kind attention to highlight the uncalled for obstruction of the Ipoh OCPD Azizman Alias and the Perak State Secretary, Dato' Abdul Rahman Hashim against the 28 Pakatan Rakyat elected reps on 3 March 2009, from entering the State Building to attend a legitimate state assembly sitting called by the Speaker. The supposedly impartial OCPD and the SS should stop their favoritism immediately.

Therefore, we would like to request all of you to lodge a police report on both the OCPD and SS. Attached herewith is the sample of police report that you can use in lodging your report. Please send us a copy of your report to changlihkang@ gmail.com. Please include report number and the police station where the report is lodged.

Your kind attention and solidarity support is very much appreciated. Thank you!

Regards,

YB. Drs. Khalil Idham Lim
ADUN Titi Serong
Chairman of the Perak Back Benchers Club

[Sample of Police Report]
* Please modify if you are not from Perak

Saya adalah pengundi di kawasan XXXXX, Perak Darul Ridzuan.

Pada 3 Mac 2009, ahli Dewan Undangan Negeri kawasan saya, YB XXXXX bersama dengan 26 ahli Dewan Undangan Negeri Perak yang lain berserta dengan Tuan Yang Dipertua Dewan Negeri Perak, YB V Sivakumar telah dihalang oleh sekumpulan orang yang dipercayai penyokong UMNO dan juga pasukan polis yang diketuai oleh OCPD Ipoh, ACP Azizman Alias untuk menghadiri persidangan mesyuarat Dewan Undangan Negeri Perak.

Ahli-ahli Dewan Negeri yang dipilih oleh rakyat telah dihalang secara salah dan tidak munasabah untuk memasuki Dewan Mesyuarat Bangunan SUK. Hanya Tuan Yang Dipertua Dewan dibenarkan untuk menghadiri persidangan Mesyuarat Ke-4, Penggal Pertama Dewan Undangan Negeri Perak ke-12 yang ditetapkan untuk bermula pada 3/3/09.

Ahli-ahli Dewan Negeri Perak telah dihalang oleh polis atas arahan ACP Azizman dan setiausaha kerajaan negeri, Dato Abdul Rahman Bin Hashim.

Oleh demikian, saya percayai tindakan ini adalah menjadi satu kesalahan jenayah di bawah Seksyen 124 Kanun Keseksaan(Penal Code), di mana ACP Azizman, Dato Abdul Rahman Bin Hashim serta semua kakitangan dan pihak yang terlibat telah melakukan satu kesalahan apabila menghalang kemasukan Ahli Dewan Negeri Perak daripada melaksanakan tanggungjawab dan tugas mereka sebagai wakil rakyat saya yang sah.

Dengan itu, saya sebagai rakyat Negeri Perak membuat laporan polis ini agar pihak polis menjalankan siasatan terperinci dan mengambil segala tindakan yang wajar supaya pihak mereka yang terlibat dalam menghalang wakil rakyat saya menjalankan tugas mereka itu dihadap ke muka pengadilan dengan secepat mungkin.

Laporan ini penting demi memulihkan demokrasi dan undang-undang yang tidak dihormati oleh mereka yang tidak bertanggungjawab di Negeri Perak ini.

Sekian, laporan saya.

(NAMA)

No. I/C:

Tarikh: